Finding Winter

Arrowhead Provincial Park

Winter Is Blue

“Winter is probably going to kill me one of these years.” I wrote these words in an e-mail recently. My friend had written to say that he was feeling blue and I was trying to let him know that he wasn’t alone in his misery. On reflection, my phrasing shocked me in its violence and sincerity. I’ve come to the realization that if I had hibernated every winter since I was 11 years old, I would have saved myself every major emotional trauma that I have ever suffered. From being bullied, fired, and significant break-ups, to discovering that my unborn child had a congenital heart defect that required major heart surgery, winter has fucked me at every turn. If only I were a bear, bat, or bumblebee!

Perhaps I am getting ahead of myself (there’s still a week to go until spring), but I think I’m going to make it this winter. I hope, dear reader, you have fared better than me; but if you have not, fear not. Spring is on its way! I went for a long walk in the woods today (one of the only places that makes sense to me these days) and it was so delightful. Early spring cannot be adequately shared in words or photos—it’s about the music of it all. The dripping, trickling, rushing sounds of snow melting. The slightly unnerving sound of tall and bare deciduous trees as they move against each other in the wind. The rustle of pale gold beech leaves that just can’t bear to let go of their branches. The melodious calls of winter birds that seem just as psyched that spring is on its way. And the tap, tap, tapping of small woodpeckers that are eager to snap up all the drowsy, sunbathing insects that emerge on these warmer days. I love it all.

As I edited the photos from my walk today, I realized with regret that none of them capture what I’m talking about here. They all look wintery and show no signs of spring. Nonetheless, the sky, clouds, and landscape looked beautiful to me. As for all the other things mentioned, you will just have to trust me. 

Hopeful Signs

Before you get all weirded out by the little dots on this leaf, it’s useful to know that they are filled with refreshing lemon scent. All you need to do is crush the leaves to release it. This plant is in my kitchen window and its leaves look hopeful to me as temperatures here have been about -20°C all week.

Something exciting happened yesterday morning. I drove through a rainbow. (Let that sink in for a moment.) It was around 8:30 a.m. and sunlight was refracting on ice crystals in the frigid air creating a sundog in the street where I was driving. Amazing! I drove around the block three times to experience it again and again. It’s like chasing fog though, as soon as you get close to it, it gets fainter. Still, as I got up close, I could actually see the light hitting the ice crystals causing them to sparkle and act as mini prisms. One of the benefits of extreme cold temperatures (in case you couldn’t think of one) and a magical way to start the day! As an added bonus, when I was coming home from my volunteer job today, Hope and I spotted another sundog (in the sky this time). Rainbows are definitely a good sign. What could it mean?

Her Feet Were Bare

Her feet were bare

that winter day.

The day her dream
and reality collided.

A Lot Like Magic

Not So Zen

In two days it will be spring and hopefully with it some relief from this dark winter. A couple of weeks ago, I had a sleepless night. Lying in my bed, and eventually the couch, I felt panicked and dreadful. Something relatively minor had sent me spiralling down—an innocent comment about someone I used to know. I can’t even explain why it upset me so much.

Photo: R. Myers

Do you know what it means to give your power away? I never did until recently. It means that you allow other people’s behaviour, and the way they treat you, to determine your happiness. Since what others say and do is entirely unstable and unpredictable, giving them that power over you leaves you vulnerable and weak. I’ve been guilty of this. More times than I care to admit. 

Before doing things, I’ve started asking myself, “Will this strengthen or weaken me?” But, it’s difficult. Something in me wants to hang on to these old and harmful patterns. At times, I don’t know (until after) whether something is good for me or not. It’s hard, too, because these feelings make me want to retreat, which is not possible. Having a young child, I’m forced into social interaction almost on a daily basis. I cannot hide from the world.

I happened upon these words by Paulo Coelho the other day. A beam of light for my shaky heart:

There is nothing wrong with anxiety. Although we cannot control God’s time, it is part of the human condition to want to receive the thing we are waiting for as quickly as possible. Or to drive away whatever is causing our fear... How can you tell a passionate heart to be still and contemplate the miracles of Creation in silence, free of tension, fear and unanswerable questions? Anxiety is part of love, and should not be blamed because of that... Anxiety was born in the very same moment as mankind. And since we will never be able to master it, we will have to learn to live with it—just as we have learned to live with storms.

Wishing you stillness and warmth as we move into a new season. ~ H x

Sky Blue Sky

Let It Snow

The snow falls, each flake in its appropriate place.

~ Zen saying