Not So Zen

In two days it will be spring and hopefully with it some relief from this dark winter. A couple of weeks ago, I had a sleepless night. Lying in my bed, and eventually the couch, I felt panicked and dreadful. Something relatively minor had sent me spiralling down—an innocent comment about someone I used to know. I can’t even explain why it upset me so much.

Photo: R. Myers

Do you know what it means to give your power away? I never did until recently. It means that you allow other people’s behaviour, and the way they treat you, to determine your happiness. Since what others say and do is entirely unstable and unpredictable, giving them that power over you leaves you vulnerable and weak. I’ve been guilty of this. More times than I care to admit. 

Before doing things, I’ve started asking myself, “Will this strengthen or weaken me?” But, it’s difficult. Something in me wants to hang on to these old and harmful patterns. At times, I don’t know (until after) whether something is good for me or not. It’s hard, too, because these feelings make me want to retreat, which is not possible. Having a young child, I’m forced into social interaction almost on a daily basis. I cannot hide from the world.

I happened upon these words by Paulo Coelho the other day. A beam of light for my shaky heart:

There is nothing wrong with anxiety. Although we cannot control God’s time, it is part of the human condition to want to receive the thing we are waiting for as quickly as possible. Or to drive away whatever is causing our fear... How can you tell a passionate heart to be still and contemplate the miracles of Creation in silence, free of tension, fear and unanswerable questions? Anxiety is part of love, and should not be blamed because of that... Anxiety was born in the very same moment as mankind. And since we will never be able to master it, we will have to learn to live with it—just as we have learned to live with storms.

Wishing you stillness and warmth as we move into a new season. ~ H x